dear black women, singleness is not a disease

January 26, 2018


I wasn't going to write about this, but #imtakingrisksall2018

It starts at an early age. When you graduate from high school, people will ask what college you're attending. Once that's done, the next question becomes, where do you plan on working? After that, you're asked when you're getting married. Once that happens, people determine the level of coinage you'll have, and ask when you are going to have a family. The questions never stop! People have become so consumed and brainwashed to believe that marriage is the final destination, when it's actually one of life's many journeys. Don't think I'm generalizing the impact and beauty of marriage. I respect it very much, and am honestly still trying to wrap my mind around how sacred it really is..but, what I want to be clear on in the season of singleness (whether you’re in a relationship or not), is that the foundation must be solid so that God can use two WHOLE people, making them one flesh.

Singleness is not punishment
There are so many lessons to learn, and experiences to endure, that are pivotal on this adult journey. I don't care if you're in your 20s, 30s or older - God is not punishing you by withholding a mate. Does He do things to prepare us to be spouses? Absolutely. However, God changes you to be more Christ centered, to become the woman of God that He has called you to be, while being surrendered under His authority…not just to simply become a wife.

Singleness is not a disease
I'm not a roach, so don't use Raid to protect yourself from me. My singleness does not affect the relationship I have with you or anyone else. Being comfortable at your table of one, tends to get overlooked - as many women want to rush into something for status, acceptance of others, or to fulfill a known void. Just like your singleness doesn't do anything to me, mine won't and can’t “rub off” on you. What happened to enjoying where you currently are? Appreciate your own space…get to know who you are, before you try to not only submit to God, but to your husband.

Singleness defines who you are
I have learned so much about myself - especially after the age of 25. It took some tough life lessons, relocations and heartbreaks. It took tackling feelings of unworthiness. It took some lonely nights and crying sessions. Some war room hollers (literally). I realized I idolized marriage. I realized my desire for marriage had nothing to do with giving God glory. It was selfish. Self seeking. To achieve a false level of happiness, that was anchored by nothing, but my own fleeing emotion. I wanted to rush the process God set specifically for me. Marriage is not a Broadway play that people come to see, compliment how beautiful it is, and overlook yours to critique the next. Even when the lights have dimmed, that high paying job is gone, your family experiences tragedy, you have to fight through what life brings.

Singleness grants purpose
God grants your purpose in some way, shape or form, before marriage. It may not be crystal clear, but He definitely provides instruction. I'll give some examples of impactful women in the Bible, purposefully excluding Ruth. Every sermon I've heard references her, so let's explore some other game changing women.

Zipporah - Essentially saved Moses' life, so he could fulfill his mission to lead God's people out of Egypt. [Exodus 4: 18-26]

Deborah - Appointed as a judge in Israel, during a time of oppression. [Judges 4-5]

Manoah's wife - Encouraged her husband with a word of faith, to trust the message delivered by an angel of God. [Judges 13:2-24]

Do you believe the women above would have had the skills to create the impact and change their family’s trajectory if they were not intentional in their singleness?

Zipporah stepped in, and did what Moses did not want to do. She understood his assignment, and was wise enough to quickly take action. We don’t even take the time to gain clarity about our own situations, let alone someone else’s.

Deborah was the definition of a lady bawse. She had power and great influence, delivering God’s message. We (you’re not alone sis) can’t even get to work on time to become an example for others to trust and follow.

Manoah’s name literally means quiet. He was even unable to remain calm, once an angel of God visited his wife twice. She reassured him with words of faith, while truly believing God’s instructions to her. We still struggle with learning some solid verses to help ourselves.

Black women, stop taking bad advice from other black women that are clearly miserable in their own marriage. Pretty self explanatory. *sips tea*

Black women, do not accept the falsehood that you have to completely disregard your standards to become a wife. If he doesn’t match your fly baby girl; leave him where he is. Compromise is totally different from throwing them all away. Don’t let the mistakes of others, force you into a situation where you have no peace.

Black women, do not underestimate the gifts and talents God has granted you. You will have to use them throughout all chapters of your life - not just your season of singleness.

Black women, stop asking other black women why they aren’t married yet. It may not bother some, however, it may continue to pierce an open wound for others. You have no idea what she’s battling with when she’s alone. Don’t prey on her vulnerability for your selfish benefit.

Black women, do not allow pressures of a society that barely accepts you for who you are, determine where you should be. Girl, who is your baseline? Your clear coworkers that take FINDING a husband in college more sacred than going to class? You are called to have more. Deserve more. Be more. Your value is above what's minimally required.

Being a wife is not a final destination for me. Becoming a vessel God can consistently use to bring change, is. My hope is that you feel and truly believe the same.

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